11-05-2009 broken wing

today is my sister birthday, i don't feel anything and i cant feel anything. yesterday my father get some Singapore dollar from European and he is so happy and excited about it. money is my father eye is so high and important to him, he rather use money that can support me study for gamble. i don't what is he thinking, he born in 1966 and the age he is having now, suppose to be very mature and know how to think. i wonder, how do he rare me grown up with a thinking that he is having. okay now, last night my father buy a present for my sister in KFC, it is a happy meal but i cant feel any happy things flowing around. my father even bought a cake last night, i am so damn shy and don't dare to go near. what so shy? my father is so busy today? why must he buy a cake that early and his mind and thinking is (cheap and delicious cake, especially small) i don't mind if he want to safe money or celebrate it with simple way but he don't seen like knowing anything about birthday celebration. i am not going to celebrate my birthday forever with them, birthday is not happy and nice to me anymore, it is a nightmare because a birthday that don't have any feel of birthday, it is something like faster end the process of blowing candle and singing song. i hate birthday and i don't like birthday. to my sister, i feel so pity and sad to her because she have this kind of father, i can sure in future, my father will be the type that hate by every human on heart. he cant understand a things and he cant accept a things. last night before i went out to cheras with friend, my father get mad because my mother say "so late already why still let my sister hang around and letting her sleep" my father straight away fly of the newspaper and say bad word and more, he say "it is not my responsibility and how i know that she need to sleep? this small things also want to say me" my father is damn stupid useless and i hate him so much

last night my Thomas asked me to go out, he say he will be going to cheras at 10pm so i wait him in house. charging my phone and sms with bird, bird mood is not good yesterday.. why.. don't know. i waited my friend from 10pm and they arrived at 12am. actually i already dont want to go and want to get ready to sleep but i dont have work to do, if they ask me out at anytime also, i think it will be fine and alright plus i dont want to be left out anymore. they arrived at 12am and asked me to wait from 11.30pm. last night i think a lots of thing in half hours time of waiting before 12am.. things that i think is.. never mind then, it is nothing that important to blog it out. last night, the time from 11.30pm to 12am i am waiting my friend at downstair, there area lots of wild dog wondering around and barking and searching for food, those dog are quite fierce, luckily then dont care me because i just look at them. thomas is the one that fetches four people to cheras, he is a driver for last night, max speed is until 160km/h is it fast? i still cant feel it yet because he drive auto gear car. his driving skill is quite dangerous and i can die with them if the lorry didnt give him way last night. elric, thomas, mark, bryan and andy, five people went out, four of us go to meet bryan that stay in cheras, we are a very good friend since from form2, two of the friend is from standard4 i guess. we walked to a place to drink tea, thomas order big watermelon juice and roti telur add bawang, bryan order orange juice and roti kosong, mark order roti kosong and big orange juice, me and andy drink lime water. we talk quite lots last night, much of it is about me of course, i am the most useless among all of them. in four of the friend there, my subject is the most greatest and coollest of course, two credit for english and science. how do i say it to start, we all start our conversation by asking what are we doing now. thomas is doing his own lorry delivering business, mark work as store manager in dont know what company and he is currently studying about computer with bryan. andy is studying about hotel management. me? eat and sleep in home of course, at first i let them nag and scold for awhile, it is impossible that a friend will dont dare a friend staying in house and doing nothing. i slowly telled them that i cant study or get a work in the moment. study is quite impossible to me because there are a human on earth that call father to me. i believe that no one can console him and make him understand because he just cant accept the true about the important of studying, he is a bullshit. none of my friend believe what have i say about my father, there are no paren on earth that dont want its own child to study, i hate my father and i want to kill him a lot, stabbed him with a knife with my own hand, it feel so relief and nice but what for? i killed him doesnt mean that i can study, it only will worsen my image and life. all of my friend last night tolded me and asked me to study and dont waste my time and i am not type that cant study. it is quite hard to talk with them last night because normal human will think, if i want to study, who can stop me but i really have been blocked and begged for dont study. mark say, dont waste my result and go for study, dont quarrel with my father and slowly console and tell him, i can swear that my father will never understand even if i jump of from building now, i hate him so much and i will never forgive him even if he really changed completely to a good person. in future, parent will be my enemy of life, i will try my best to move out, live alone. i tell my friend my father dont understand about studying and the important of a cert, sometime he act, if want to study then go to those cheap place and get a cert, i dont mind about getting a cert at anywhere but next day, "study is useless, when come out to work, salary will be very few and it will raise very slow, if can get approve to work, will waste this and that" his mind is 100% negative and on bad way of thinking, i am so damn angry when i talk with him, he cant get what human say because he is a shit. i already so speechless to this piece of shit and i already give up of it, i want to get a job quick, safe enough money for my life. he is a shit. at last, my friend still dont really helped me but i must thanks them a lot because of giving me such an affection to my life and future.

meadow, can you tell me what to do next? i am really losing my direction in life, i dont know what to do. i will not be able to do anything if i continue stucking like this, online 15hours a day, i can crazy if i continue my life this way for more than a month. i cant do anything if i dont have my own transport, i dont put a hope on my parent anymore because they are totally hopeless and useless. by the way, i am not sure that whether, have toy read what i reply you on blog? i dont know what am i after to.. speechless

going to end my post, is this a long post? it is just some express and some of my story......................................................................... make more post later if i got something to write